3 Ways to Stop the Conflict
and
Get Off the Relationship Rollercoaster
If your marriage or partnership is full of drama, ask yourself…
- Am I tired of going back and forth about the same issues and arguments?
- Is my relationship wearing me out?
- Do I feel that my partner never really listens to me?
- Are my expectations of happiness below 50 percent satisfied?
- Do I feel “disconnected” from my partner?
If you’ve answered “yes” to any of these questions, then you probably feel like you’re riding a Relationship Rollercoaster.
I’d like to share with you 3 ways to stop the emotional drama and the #1 reason I believe relationships succeed, based on my years of practice as a family lawyer.
For years I’ve heard about the pain of broken relationships from my clients and I’ve always wished I could have spoken to them before the word “divorce” was ever mentioned. Although the facts change from couple to couple, I’ve found that the reasons for the crash and burn usually have to do with 3 common areas where problems start. I believe that by becoming aware of what often leads to a bad ending, it’s possible to confront the issues head on before it’s too late.
First, the most important thing to do is to stabilize the drama. How do you do this? By taking action to focus on what I believe are the 3 most common areas of a couple’s unhappiness.
#1: Expectations
I believe fully appreciating the reality of this gap - what your relationship was instead of what it is now - is today’s foundation for your future together. Are you frustrated by the way things are versus the way you expected the relationship to be? What does your life together look like today versus when you were married or decided to commit to one another? Are your answers part of your anger, discouragement or frustration?
Make a list of your priorities now and for the future, for you individually and as a couple. Then, take a minute to jot down at least 3 things for each area of your life. Write with as much detail as possible. For example, how did your relationship begin? Visually recall your physical characteristics. Were you immediately attracted to one another? What did you do for a living?
What did you do together for fun and relaxation? Did you have the same goals and plans for the future? Were they ever discussed? How does your current life meet the expectations you had for your marriage or relationship years ago?
Some couples do not ever share their dreams, choosing instead to take a chance that things will just work out. A vision for the future is essential to creating one. If you’ve not ever shared your vision how can you expect your life as a couple to evolve together? A shared vision for the future is a must. Without sharing your answers, ask your partner to do the same and compare notes. Are you in the same relationship? Are you living and working toward the same goals? Are you living the same dream? How does your current life meet the expectations you had years ago? Now is the time to reflect on the beginning in order to redirect the ending.
#2: Communication
It doesn’t matter if the subject is noodles or narcissism, sailing or sex, in-laws or alcohol… the ability to talk about anything and everything is HUGE! If you aren’t able to understand each other’s feelings or points of view then how can you have a close, committed union? You will simply exist as roommates, and at best, friends.
Do you expect your partner to read your mind? You must speak your truth about how you feel and what you want. You must be clear and courageous, meaning nothing is off limits for discussion…and I mean nothing. Clarity is essential for success in any aspect of your life, especially your life together as a couple. Like we just considered, achieving your goal of harmony includes clarity about how you see your future together. Then, equally important, once you know what you want, how you communicate with each other is just as big. The tone of your voice, the way you approach, even the time of day can make a difference about the outcome of your conversation and decisions.
When I speak to clients in my office I’m amazed at how often their problems are founded in a lack of communication. Some people simply don’t want to talk about some subjects or are uncomfortable talking about certain things because of the way they were raised, religious practices, cultural differences, or, because of more serious issues like a history of child abuse. This sad circumstance may call for the need to seek professional help while getting to the bottom of the reasons for your disconnect. You must, however, find a way to feel comfortable talking about anything and everything, safely, quietly and with respect for each other’s feelings. For example, speak to one another in the same tone and volume as you would speak to a work colleague or neighbor. Surrender to your own vulnerability. This requires a great deal of courage, but it is the most generous gift you can give the one you love. When you are vulnerable your emotional intimacy is enhanced. The bonus for your courage is an invitation for trust to thrive and for feelings to once again stimulate a healthy sexual relationship. I’ve found this to be an essential part of long term success, based on my confidential conversations with clients who file for divorce.
#3: TIME
Do you make time for your partner? Or are you a career person that is married on the side?
Does sharing time together mean doing housework while the other guy watches sports? Waving good bye to one another on the way to the golf course? Calling from the mall or fading into Facebook and Instagram as you sit across the room?
Why go there? It takes more time and it’s less fun to fix something than it is to simply make your relationship the #1 priority in the first place. Quality time is a priority before anything else, including work or the kids. Why? Because once the focus of one or both shifts to something or someone other than the relationship, it’s only a matter of time before it will end, unless both of you are willing to give your efforts to rebuild the feelings and make new moments. Try to honor the relationship and stay present in your emotional connection where intimacy is found.
Now that you’ve got some tools for stabilizing your relationship by resetting your expectations, communicating your needs by talking through the trouble spots in a respectful manner, and rededicating time to the relationship itself, please listen with the intention of understanding. And sometimes, what is not being said is just as important as what is being said. Observe actions and reactions. Where is the missing information? What about your message elicits a different response? Is there something you can correct?
Finally, take a breath to slow down and remember everything about who you once thought you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, and, who was the best thing that had ever happened to you. Sit with that for a bit.
Good Luck!